On Sonder

A few months ago, I encountered the term “sonder” somewhere on the internet. It was defined as something along the lines of “the profound realization that every person around you has a life as vivid and complex as your own”. At the moment, that definition hit me in the stomach. Firstly, because it snapped my mind out of the scroll-loop of social media. Secondly, because of the definition itself. At that point in my life, I had thought about that feeling – that epiphany – before, but I had never seen it summed up in such a way, and I imagine it is applicable to many, if not all people on Earth.

I hesitate to call sonder a word, as this term was coined by writer John Koenig, on his blog The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows only 11 years ago. The entire blog is about Koenig creating new words to “fill holes in the [English] language”. However, I will call it a word for the remainder of this blog post, as I would honestly like it to become one. In his blog, he defined it as 

“n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.”

Today, I would like to explain to you why you should attempt to feel sonder. People will tell you “the world doesn’t revolve around you”, but from your perspective, it essentially does. You are the main character, all the main issues are yours, and you probably find yourself making characters and stereotypes of the other people around you. Now, this doesn’t mean you should start being incredibly self-centered, the feeling of sonder should discourage you from that. However, you know so many people and their true detail, true resolution, is lost upon you not by carelessness but necessity. It’s like a minor character in a book, the author or in this case, your brain, simply cannot afford the time to develop everyone. 

One reason sonder happens is that you could not possibly experience life as anyone else does, so you could not possibly understand every part of them. One obvious way to think about this is one I’ve talked about before. Imagine the color red, or look at something red. The color I saw, or how I would see that same object could be entirely different from you. My red could be your blue, or any other color, and there is no way to know! This is because we have no idea how our brain is turning the physical characteristic of red, the frequency of light, into a perceivable color. If you want to learn more about that, read my other article here, but the main point is that even if we were somehow in the same exact place, at the same exact time, we probably don’t even experience the world in the same way.

However, we are sure that all of us are experiencing things, and that is what sonder confronts. Think of someone you might call an acquaintance. What do you really think of them? Do you know the details and nuances of their life, or do you simply see a silhouette of their true self? Like I said before, you could not possibly know everything about them, but if you remember that they experience life as much as you do, if you feel sonder, it may allow you to be more understanding and more caring. 

Of course that’s great, but there are also some inward benefits for you from feeling sonder other than feeling like a kinder person. Here, we’ll focus on the second part of Koenig’s definition, when he mentions that there are “thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once”. Understanding that fact is honestly some of the best advice I’ve heard. To understand it is to realize that you are probably not anybody’s biggest issue. Every person has their own life, and so their own problems and stresses. You shouldn’t worry so much about how your tiniest actions affect everyone else. You should, of course, attempt to be kind to others, but if you choose to do something that you may think people will notice and judge you for, remember that they will either not care, or forget about it within minutes. Again, you are not the main issue of anyone’s life but yours.

To conclude, I think that sonder is definitely one of my candidates for the next Merriam-Webster word, and even if it's not, you can still benefit from the idea. Stay grounded in your experience, and remember that everyone else is too.

Sources:

The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

Dictionary.com

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